kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
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the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
when you are just born a rebel
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.