Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
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My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Cats (2019)
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.