Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You Might Also Like
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this