I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
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extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.