When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
You Might Also Like
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly