Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Sunday