hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
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My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.