It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
this FaceApp is creepy af
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*