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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
That earthquake could have been an email.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.