My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?