People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋