Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
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I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
scrabbled eggs
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.