I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*