4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
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I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Duolingo getting serious.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Things will get butter, keep churning
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference