OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
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If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
The glory of fall.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone