Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
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The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.