Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
✌🏽
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets