[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*