I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.