[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
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[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers