I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Day 2 of my diet
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?