daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
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Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me if I was a dog
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
just having fun
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.