When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Lucky old June.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station