Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?