The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Yes, this is exactly right
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle