Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.