ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
You Might Also Like
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“That’s what” – She
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
giddy up Office Depot
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose