BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Monday Lisa
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing