Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
a lot to unpack here
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Happy Thanksgiving
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The internet is full of many things
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.