ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home