Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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*jazz hands*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?