who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Just got to our Airbnb!
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*