Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
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Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I like long walks away from everyone
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.