I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My current situation
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*