When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.