My love language is hissing.
You Might Also Like
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?