Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.