[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
You Might Also Like
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I need this for my side hustle.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Well, this certainly took a turn
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m going to need a moment here.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.