My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
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Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.