*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
The dark side of Canada
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally