“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
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the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
how it started vs how it ended
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.