Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
You Might Also Like
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Google assistant rules
Its a hippotatomus
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say