Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I have obtained a hat
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!