It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”