I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
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[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Look at this
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.