*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them