please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂