[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
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my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Rambo Rambow
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground