You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.