Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!